Relationships should ideally enrich our lives. However, sometimes it’s easy to settle into toxic dynamics. We need to ask ourselves whether we’re consistently sacrificing ourselves for our partners or we mutually benefit one another. Here’s how codependency and interdependence differ, and how to work toward a healthier relationship.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a relationship dynamic where one person excessively relies on the other for their emotional and psychological needs. These patterns of behavior tend to become overly one-sided—the dependent person sacrifices their own needs and happiness to accommodate the other person. Codependency can manifest in many ways, such as controlling behavior, low self-esteem, and an inability to set boundaries.
Signs of codependency
Lack of boundaries
The dependent person typically has issues setting boundaries with the domineering person. They might say yes to everything, feel responsible for the other person’s needs, feelings, and actions, and neglect themselves.
Low self-esteem
In a codependent relationship, your self-esteem is likely dependent on the other person. Because you’ve sacrificed your well-being for your partner (or family member), you’ve learned to tie your self-worth to your ability to care for them. This also makes you walk on eggshells whenever their emotions turn volatile, as you see them as an extension of yourself.
People-pleasing behaviors
People pleasing means bowing to other people’s needs before your own. This is tied with a lack of boundaries. A person who constantly pleases others may experience burnout from the exhaustion of catering to others and neglecting their own happiness.
Fear of abandonment
The dependent person is most likely terrified of being abandoned by the other. This fear can stem from attachment issues developed early in life. In a codependent relationship, this fear manifests as clinginess and an inability to function independently.
What is interdependence?
Interdependence, on the other hand, is a much healthier relationship dynamic. In interdependent relationships, both people maintain their own identities while mutually supporting one another. Each party is able to get their needs met while also communicating and collaborating through conflicts. Signs of an interdependent relationship include:
- A strong sense of identity and self-worth
- Independent hobbies
- Mutual emotional support
- A willingness to be vulnerable
- Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries
- Effective communication
- Collaborating through conflicts
Shifting away from a codependent relationship
Do some self-reflection
It’s important to start by recognizing you’re in a codependent relationship. Keep a journal of times your boundaries are disrespected or you neglect your own needs. Work to understand the patterns of your relationship that are unhealthy.
Learn independence
Get comfortable with spending time alone. Find activities you like doing by yourself, or even take up new hobbies. This independence will help you derive fulfillment from yourself rather than the relationship. As you become more independent, you’ll also build your self-esteem.
Set healthy boundaries
Learn to say no. Figure out what your needs are and stick to advocating for them. Outline clear consequences for crossing them and don’t back down. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice the easier it becomes.
Getting help
If you’re struggling to redefine your codependent relationship into a healthy one, consider reaching out to a therapist. Whether you’re in a romantic, platonic, or familial relationship that’s turned codependent, couples counseling can help. In couples therapy, you’ll learn where your boundaries are, how to communicate through conflict, and better ways of relating to one another.
If you struggle with self-esteem, identity, and boundary-setting, you may want to seek individual counseling. In one-on-one sessions, you can explore what could be leading to codependent behaviors and learn to advocate for yourself and your needs.
To find out more about how therapy can benefit an interdependent relationship, please reach out to us.