It’s okay to occasionally take one for the team. You visit family for the holidays to keep the peace, even if you feel like staying home that year. Maybe you sometimes take on an extra chore at home when your partner is extra busy, even though you’ve got a lot going on at work. But if you find yourself agonizing over saying no to people or putting yourself in uncomfortable situations just to please others, it’s time to examine that behavior and make a change.
What is a people-pleaser?
A people-pleaser is someone who consistently puts everyone else’s needs above their own. They may overly worry about their interpersonal relationships and be hyper-aware of others’ emotions. Even though being eager to help others in itself isn’t a bad thing, people-pleasers neglect their own needs and feelings at that expense. Some people may also struggle with a loss of identity, increased stress, and their interpersonal relationships can suffer. If you’re a people-pleaser, here are a few tips to help you break free.
1. Make your own goals
You want to regain a sense of self to cultivate a strong identity. You’ll be more motivated to advocate for yourself when you’re working on important life goals. Try writing out what you want for the next year or several in your personal and professional life. Maybe you want to learn a new craft, travel to another country, or reach the next milestone in your career. When you’re focused on bettering yourself in the long term, you’ll find it easier to say no to others when you need to. Now, when a friend asks you to a late dinner but you have a crafting workshop in the morning, you’ll know what to prioritize.
2. Set boundaries with others
Boundaries are the emotional and physical limits that define your personal space and help you distinguish your needs from others’. Strong boundaries are key to a sense of identity. They’re also crucial to any healthy relationship. Start by identifying your limits and clearly communicating them to those around you. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but setting boundaries is an act of self-care and self-respect. Remember that saying no isn’t a rejection of everyone else. Instead, think of it as a way to honor your own needs and priorities.
3. Stop apologizing
you apologize for every small boundary you set, you imply there’s a conflict or that you’ve done something wrong. Over-apologizing can come from a hyperawareness of other people’s feelings, but taking accountability for things that aren’t your fault doesn’t help you or anyone else. You can’t control anyone’s emotional reactions to you saying no. In fact, the only person whose feelings and actions you have control over is yourself. When you take ownership of your decisions, you’ll feel more confident in setting these boundaries.
4. Start small
You might be feeling overwhelmed at the idea of saying no and setting boundaries. But what if you take small steps? Don’t worry about changing everything overnight. Find the behavior that’s bothering you the most and work on that first. Maybe you’ve been keeping silent at work meetings because you’re afraid of asserting yourself—try overcoming that impulse at the next one. Overcoming people pleasing takes time, practice, and patience.
Are you struggling with people pleasing?
People pleasing can be caused by past traumas, unstable childhoods, low self-esteem, and an insecure attachment to others. These are all issues that can (and should) be addressed in therapy. If you’re struggling with people pleasing, consider seeing a therapist who can help you uncover the root cause of your behavior. In therapy, you’ll learn useful strategies for setting healthy boundaries, prioritizing your own mental health, and better communication skills.
To find out more about how therapy can help you break free from people pleasing, please reach out to us.